MFT: Aargh! Bullshitspeak and Bullshit Generators - Headbangers Journey

Bullshit generators are things of beauty. All those empty pointless lines that make no sense on their own coupled together somehow manage to drive into the negative zero-sense zone even further. To the point it is just some noise filler placeholder - way beyond reason. Something that may be called "semantic Eldritch abomination". But, to be honest,  that's too much honor for such trifle.

Bullshitspeak is a variation on professional jargon. Main difference between it and bullshitspeak is that professional jargon keeps things short while remaining meaningful to those in the know. Bullshitspeak on the other hand is designed to make no sense whatsoever but sound extremely convincing. It is one of those things that naturally evolved out of corporate drive to make everything "mony, mony". And there is nothing particularly bad about it. Not everyone can write meaningful and convincing text. 

Look at the thing from their perspective - they need to convince investors and then consumers that their "thing" is "the thing". And in order to do that they use magick-spracht that makes their "bullshit" sound legit. And despite being actual bullshit - it works. For some reason that is beyond comprehension people (with money to invest) seem to buy into obviously random complicated, tangled, long and winding words and sentences that are apparently in greek \ bird language. 

Funniest thing about bullshitspeak is that it is not very effective if you actually read into it. But it is extremely effective on a surface level - when the recipient is simply looking through it without paying much attention to the details. That's where the magick starts - it is designed to make recipient give up on attempts to get through it. It looks like a whole lotta text with whole lotta funny words that probably mean so much you gonna have a headache by trying to decipher it. It brings to mind that particular thought "Maybe those guys really mean it". And after that - all parties involved are more or less satisfied. "Fun" "Fun" "Fun".

Over time this obscure nothing language became really tiring. It spread across Internet like syphilis, lurked at every corner and poisoned many previously brilliant minds. The whole search engine optimization thing made matters worse. Bullshit-speak became inescapable. It was here and there and everywhere just because. And then the copywriting thing blew up and every writing person who didn't wanted to starve became partner in crime. More bullshit content - more nothing crap - more nonsense morsel - sea of grey placeholder goo. 

It is fair to say that bullshitspeak became a "language" of its own. It is too different from a regular language. The problem with that claim is that languages are usually designed to transmit information while bullshitspeak is designed to fill space, mean nothing in particular and look convincing. Bullshitspeak is bland. And that's where Bullshit Generators enter the game.

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Bullshit Generators are sign of the times. In these uptight times we need more and more content to fill the space. Random text generators and search engine optimization are coming hand in hand. It is a perfect perfect combination. Essentially Bullshit Generators are riff on Lorem Ipsum placeholder text generators. They are based on the same technology. Main difference is in the use of vocabulary. Their purpose can't be no different - Bullshit generators make placeholder text that doesn't look like one.

But since random text generation aren't capable of writing actually meaningful texts - bullshit seems to be natural solution because it doesn't need to be meaningful. You just put your nouns, verbs and adjectives into the program and let it roll. It is abomination but why not?

While random word generators are very useful during brainstorms - random text generator are mostly counterproductive. You can only use for fun. If you want to make a legit text of it - you need to reedit it so much it would be more reasonable to write it on your own. But as joke - there is something to wrestle with.

But why bother talk about bullshit generators without pointing out the most glorious examples of it? How about making a little headbangers journey through the weird and unimpressive world of Bullshit Generators? Fasten your seatbelts - this is going to lackluster ride.

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1. Poop.moro.es 

This generator tries to make so-called text poop collage out of search queries. You type down the request and it pierces together hapless string of random words connected with the keywords with a little help of Google Suggest. Sometimes this text collage is very funny. Usually it is pure gibberish. One-two-three word queries doesn't really work - the results are generic. But if you enter longer sentences - it truly starts to shine. The resulting texts are psychotic ecstatic repetitive HAL-9000 soliloquys. Something to behold.   

2. Bitcoin Bullshit Generator

This one is not as sophisticated. It is centered around Bitcoin and cryptocurrency topic. Generators formula is simple - verb then adjective then noun (with minor variations). It can be useful as tactical insertions but sadly you can't construct whole text out of it. Although it is very handy in cases of desperate fits of flarf inspiration. With its help you can make really cryptic haikus:

exchange confirmed cryptography.

whiteboard pre-mined hash rates

implement satoshi signatures.

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3. Republican Talking Points 

Sadly Republican Talking Points is no longer active - but you can use it through Wayback Machine. It is very funny generator full of empty words. It is almost a null and void machine. Have you ever wondered about mechanics of generic politicians null-jargon? Of course not. But now you can do it yourself with a little help of this generator. It is mind melting and radioactively beautiful. You can generate phrases randomly or you can construct your own with a little help of several charts that classify every piece of expression. 

Overall - this generator is very limited. Even if you are patient enough you can't really click-out the right phrase. But you can collect the most outraging nonsense and then put it into Cut-Up Machine to make it right.

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4. Bullshit Job Title is no fun. Don't try it. It is boring

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Business bullshit Mumbo-Jumbo generators.

This section takes on several similar services. All of them are based on the same sprinciples but gathered around different vocabularies. None of them are really handy in creating standalone texts. But they combined they can be a viable source of raw material for further remixing.

• 5. Web Economy Bullshit Generator - this cooks lame dodo dung and plucks earwax to make it smooth. It manages to tickle the surface enough for it to start matter virtual pus. It is not very exciting.
• 6. Tech Bullshit - generic as it gets - it simple some hardcore tech jargon in various combinations. Sometimes it sounds like a magic spells. Other times it sounds like someone is trolling you too hard.
• 7. Empty Bottle Bullshit generator - this service is really good at making plausible bullshit phrases. It looks like something that can be inserted into some mission statement or other obligatory documents no one really needs. For some reason it really loves to put these words: AJAX, tag, cloud, embed, dynamic, long-tail - almost in every result. 
• 8. Marketing Bullshit Generator - this generator is pitch perfect paranoia inducer. For some reason it manages to put generic phrases in a way that it looks like a symphony of euphemisms of a conspiracy group doing a "swish-swish \ wink-wink" cover-up. Look at it:

embrace front-end paradigms

morph clicks-and-mortar relationships

reintermediate best-of-breed convergence

synergize e-business eyeballs

exploit sticky networks

• 9. Gobbledygook generator - compared with other bullshit generators Gobbledygook is almost Ezra Pound. With a little help of line break insertion it actually can be considered as extremely valiant attempt at "spam-infested flarf". For example:

It's time to revamp and reboot our regenerated transitional concepts.

We need a more blue-sky approach to millennial third-generation resources.

This is no time to bite the bullet with our responsive third-generation hardware.
The solution can only be balanced logistical innovation.

• 10. Buzzword Bullshit Generator - this one is similar to the previous but somehow it manages to jump right into Uncanny Valley. Phrases are similar but they look alien and really stick out. 
• 11. Bullshit Generator - despite having the best URL it is far from it. It merely creates strings of random corporate jargon obscure lingo. It is as generic as it gets although sometimes it manages to sneak into one or two really impressive words that makes your mind go on strike.
• 12. The Corporate B.S. Generator - this is having the biggest dictionary and it is the only one of the bunch capable of creating semi-meaningful lines of extremely surreal nature. It is very good at making bizarre "to do"-lists. For example:

compellingly recaptiualize ethical leadership skills

monotonectally morph magnetic users

distinctively enhance enterprise-wide applications

enthusiastically disintermediate bleeding-edge opportunities

fungibly plagiarize corporate e-tailers

globally cultivate efficient infrastructures

seamlessly synthesize intermandated infrastructures

• 13. Management Business Bulshit Generator is kinda like Gobbledygook only rubbish with that particular psychotropic smell. It can drive mad. This generator is up to playing mind games with unwitting user. Curiously it never looks like generic corporate bullshit. It rather looks like very roundabout threats.
• 14. Paper Title Generator is more of the some but occassionally it slips into bizarro dense bollocks. If you need fast and loose up to eleven nonsensical poem - this is the generator for you. For example:

Eye: An authenticated, topology-based pseudorandom bit generator

Obviating coercion-resistant, reliable intrusion-detection systems

On session-based, high-bandwidth sensor networks

• 15. LANDSCAPE URBANISM BULLSHIT GENERATOR - this one trades tech-jargon for urbanism mumbo-jumbo. It makes some really funny combinations but it is really more of the same. Sometimes the resulting phrases feel like a dialogue between Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. Seriously, imagine them saying that:

A: expedite integrated interventions

S: harness hybrid thresholds

A: map infrastructural palimpsests

S: mesh ruderal matrices

A: contaminate post-industrial metrics

S: mediate revelatory territories

A: empower aleatoric hybrids

S: survey virtual grids

A: rectify compelling events

S: incubate synthetic users

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TIME TO DADA!

• 16. Web Two Point Oh! - this is a thing for really nonchalant names. Company descriptions are so-so. But the names are pure bliss. It looks like something russian futurists or old-school DADA would make-up back in the day. I've played with it so much - i've got a poem for you:

Zimodiki Squiolidoo
Yahooki Tripoorati Zimtijax
Tivonomobo Riodiious Delooya

Vonomorati Secoodoo Tivtiious

Zimonomole Gkono
Yahkole Rikoroll Zimodirati
Meebooroll Meebent Gechnole Zimeeent
Goowy Sectitix Meebonomohub
Tivelile Infeele Deloole Gya Riooki
Zimtirati Godiious Riooroll

• 17. Web 2.0 Company Name Generator - this generator works in a similar manner but it is far more coherent than the previous. Some the results look like potential names of the companies. If you use it too much it will slip into word-monstrocities that will looks like some generic african bunga-bunga. It is very good if you need to create your own KARAWANE:

Oyonyx Gendu 
Kambee Zoovee Agilith Babblecube
Snapbird Riffify Avado

Quajo Avajo Toptune
Pixoyo Yoveo Kwinyx
OyonderKido
Buzzfish Centixo Jaxcube
Kabox Meeble Gelia Skynder
Jettune Itri Mudel
Falia Ladel Zootz
Mivu Oyoboo Ooyo
Meere Meelia Zoonu Laboo

Gigazone
Riffzoom

Gezu Muloo Skimbu 
Pixozzy Babblefire
Oyo Vimba Gedeo
Kwilane Wikiyo Munte
Eigen Topbug Bluebuzz
Zavee Latri Zanix Skynyx

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Big Text Generators

• 18, 19. Bullshit Ipsum and Corporate Ipsum are the heavy. It creates really nonsensical nothing text that can fill a lot of space. You can select number of paragraphs you need and the thing will do the job without a spark. It will break you into a sweat because the resulting text is so intense your inner Goddamn-Batman will asks you "Are you dense? Are you retarded or something?". 

• 20. Corporate Gibberish Generator - this one generates long and winding text that supposedly designed to "sell" your company to the customers. Words are all right. But the sentences don't gel together and it seems like a work of a serial killer with some clues hidden too hard. It is for elaborate abuse of The Deletionist.

• 21, 22. Corporate Bullshit Generator and Corpspeak - are inspired by one and only Dilbert comic strip. CBG creates bullet-point list of elaborate phrases ready to bullshit. It is very useful if you want to push The Deletionist to the limits. However it gets really repetitive over time. Corpspeak creates over the top press releases. They are hapless as hell and can be used in Try Not To Laugh challenges. Which is always a good thing.

All aforementioned generators work really good with cut-up machines and erasure techniques.

• 23. Apology Generator is pure bliss. In the light of sexual harassment scandals it is also apt commentary on controversial subject. Program creates overly complicated excuses and apologies that try to cover every conceivable subject while actually saying not much. This lame placeholder excuse can be used to great effect as subversion of dramatic conflict.

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ART & SHIET

• 24, 25. Contemporary Classical Composers Bullshit Generator and Arty Bollocks are more pieces of protest art than actual generators. They creates extremely impenetrable descriptions of pieces and intentions hidden behind certain artistic choices. They make no sense - but sure look intimidating. As you know - some people just can't explain the undercurrents of their works. They can do it - but when it comes to explanations - headache comes to have a party. 
• 26. The Instant Art Critique Phrase Generator is similar to aforementioned but it tackles the problem of bullshit from other side. It provides with opaque but quite effective horn stabs of a phrases disguised as bereft art criticism.

• 27. Market-O-Matic combines all that into a Frankenstein Plaster Caster Monster of a bullshit generator. There are many adjustable options and the resulting text is semantic overkill. If you want to seriously damage fabric of reality - this generator may provide a blow or two and then blow a bubble made of questionable material. 

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That's all. I will never write about Bullshit Generators ever again. It was exhausting and utterly pointless. I feel ashamed. But i think it will help you to create something really worthless. Enjoy.