AB - high school crush 1. flashy brunette with chubby cheeks and wavy hair. she was nice to look at. been circling around her for a while until asked her out once and she looked at me as if i was some piece of shit and said no, because i don't deserve a girl like her. whatever. during final weeks at school we had a long conversation about life and stuff and she seemed really dumb and materialistic. Years later, i was hanging out in a bar waiting for my future wife and she approached me trying to flirt. Turned out she didn't recognized me at all so i messed with her a bit until J came in. She was pissed and embarassed and i felt good about it.
VN - high school crush 2. understated silent type. she was like an underdeveloped tomboy who was reassigned into girlie girl by hypnosis or something. we used to sit together in the classroom. She thought i was dumb. But we talked a lot about Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. One time she tried to explain the meaning of limp bizkit name to me as if it was the dirtiest thing ever. her voice was cracking as if she was saying some sort of blasphemy. Asked her out and she actually went out with me for a cup of coffee. during that historic afternoon she ordered five cups of espresso and her were anime-sized.
MD - tomboy punk girl, year older than me. she was like a tornado and she seemed happy all the time. we hooked up when started to grow my hair out in 9th grade and she used to tell all sorts of weird facts, sometimes whispering them in the ear as if it was some kind of a dirty talk. she told me an antonym to apocalypse like that once. it was weird and i still remember it as if it happened yesterday. our relationship crumbled after i was very rude to her. i was going back home after a very bad job interview. i was close to breaking into tears and was really not into anything. she jumped on my back out of nowhere and told her to get off because i was tired of her shit. she just went away and i never saw her again. still feel ashamed about that.
NK - thin white redheaded fury dressed in black. year older than me. she was a goth girl, really edgy, despite being mildly agarophobic. she listened to HIM and Throbbing Gristle. we used to hang out a lot during last three years at school. she seemed like a high priestess of carnal knowledge to me. we used to look at starry sky at night and talk about Burzum. She was the one who encouraged me to start doing electronic music and drop that "guitar shit everyone does anyway". while we were going out a lot, she held distance and never really let me in her comfort zone as if something was holding her back. her dad was scary individual. our relationship cracked when she called me one night and asked me out to tell something and i declined because i was too involved with music making. she said she was infernally offended by this act. after that she distanced herself and then she went to kyiv university. three years i've stumbled upon her while walking in the streets during a particularly hot day. she was like a mirage. i thought i was daydreaming so i drank five cups of coffee and nearly had a heart attack. then i found her telephone number and called her but she was out of town for a couple of weeks and when she came back she had her head shaved and all nihilist bullshit. it was the same thing as before but things you thought were deep when you are 16 seem like preposterous hogwash when you are 19. ten minutes into out conversation i came to a conclusion that i might as well be talking to a wall, so i just started to play self-centered prick character to mess with her. don't feel good about that, but i couldn't deal with the immediate disappointment any other way.
YL - high school/university crush. she was a poster girl of success - excelled at everything, been active in polish diaspora, interested in photography. she was smart but never took me seriously although there was like six year stretch when we were going out for a cup of coffee on a weekly basis. i asked her for a date in the first week of the university and she told me this isn't going to work out. right after university we actually went on a date for some reason and it ended up with us talking about kelly clarkson's what doesn't kill makes you stronger song content and its connection with nietzsche. never talked again afterwards.
MS - we met at the poetry club. i started to express interest in poetry when i was 15 and my guitar teacher was also leading one local literary circle. she was a blond goth girl who used to write edgelord poems about death and suffering and other edgy things. i used to flirt with her by reciting Slayer lyrics. one time were walking around for a very long time and it was weird. it was cold so i feel ill and was out of action for some time and so she started writing messages to me. obsessive stuff. scared me off big time. ghosted her after that. feel bad about it, a couple of years later i've met at one local reading and apologized.
YZ - yet another high school crush. we've been in one What Where When team. Won a couple of tournaments and went to Odessa for the national tournament. The whole journey was one giant joke. Had a lot of small talk and even wrote her a poem. She ghosted me after the journey. Felt perplexed for a while.
KT - short-haired exotic girl. she thought i was a jew and called me moses (i'm not), she also said she was muslim although she acted as if she was decadent catholic. we had a couple of long and winding conversations on throat singing, sound poetry, masturbation and other related topics. we also had a long walk to nowhere in particular during which we talked about Bjork and her cat video.
TS - aka butthole surfer girl. the meanest girl i have ever met by mile. she had mean things to tell about everything and everyone. her on-off boyfriend was a friend of mine and we used to play in one band. he was a free spirit who just wanted to sing his songs and live his life by accident. she seemed really rough on him and didn't really cared for his wellbeing. she was constantly making things up to make an impression of her knowledge of zhytomyr underbelly. it was dumb because we had many common friends and i could tell what was made up and what wasn't. i was fascinated by her. one time we got stuck in the passway during a rainstorm and we were waiting for it to stop and wasn't and we were standing there wet and freezing. it was strangely intimate thing and it was the only time when she let her guard down and showed her true colors. she seemed nice and very troubled. however, otherwise she was rough. soon enough found her too toxic to be around. she was talking about shit, calling everybody dumbfucks, complaining about light being color of piss and other stuff. i got myself out of her grasp by pissing her off about some fictional prize money for some photo. she excommunicated me and started telling mean things about me - like i was masturbating on her feet and other stuff. no love lost.
OT - she was TS bestbud and we used to hang out together 09-10. she was very energetic and vulgar lady who could come up with really saucy things. she once freestyled a porn scene verbally and it was the dirtiest thing i've ever heard and i was reviewing kink videos at that time. i knew she was into Cher because she used to whistle some of Sonny and Cher melodies while walking. she was intensely playful and with definitely overflowing overabundant sex drive - she groped me on more than one occasion and was constantly dirty-talking me in public to make me blush. not sure if she was messing with me or not but i felt really uncomfortable around her. we tried to kiss but she bite my tongue (probably chewed) in the process and i was all bloody afterwards. she was year older and when university was over our connection was kinda lost.
NB - she was english teacher during year 1 and 2 in university. what a woman. she was like one of those pre-raphaelite girls - full of mystery. she was really good at explaining stuff and she used to shame me for being lazy and overacting while talking english. she gave me dirt music novel and we had an evening of talking about that novel and it was tough because she was all literaty theory and plot deconstruction. i remember the look of her face during a conversation - she was getting off talking about this stuff and it was beautiful. i was legit obsessed with her for quite a while even taking photographs of her in a sexy dress and masturbating to it aftewards. but she was much older and it wasn't going to work out. i don't know why we stopped meeting, lack of contacts didn't helped either. she helped me with fine-tuning Casio's Pay-off peyote so i would've liked to send her a copy of Roadrage or something.
JG - year older. she was an editor of student newspaper. all boyscout and dudley-do-right. she used to tell me i'm too lazy to write well and that i have too much pretense to be legit. we used to hang out a lot during the university days and write poems together. she was instrumental in helping me with figuring out how to write poems. she was genius of freestyling images into existance that just clicked. we got really intimate but ultimately were scared off and took distance. she was serious career girl who all about business so our relationship waned. feels like a missed opportunity.
IK - never met her in real life. talked a lot on facebook and twitter and email. she was some sort of artistic individual, probably an illustrator. judging from the topics we've talked about - she was kinda depressed or really edgy. i asked her out for the translator's reading but she declined citing keeping the mystery alive. a couple of months later she disappeared and we never talked again. still puzzled about her. she seemed interesting.
GB - the first and only woman who contacted me because of my artistic career. she wrote to me about ukrainian futurism and asked if i had some stuff about it. it sprawled a conversation that was way too exciting for my own good. she was into jazz and kinky stuff and seemed much more mature than i ever was. she was world weary or something. i was obsessed by her or probably her image in my head and started fantasizing that we had an epistolary romance or something. she was playful and non-committal so the thing was perpetuating. it was my private fantasy that was going nowhere but otherwise comforting. i wrote a lot of creepy stuff to her i'm really ashamed of. a year later we met in lviv while i was in the midst of crash and burn film production - so the air left the balloon and it was one big disappointment. i tried to keep contact over the years but was getting compulsive and obsessive and gradually got off the rails and turned the whole thing into something really bad. really ashamed of how this thing turned out. in late 15 i wrote full-fledged love letter to her and she said "nope" and it was miserable try hard for a couple of more years before the sheen wore off and moved on with my life. this whole thing was pink floyd one slip the idea of being in love.
MS - we met at my exhibition in ternopil. she was following my colleague and was all into art stuff, young painter experimenting with life. she was six years younger and it felt exciting at first and frustrating later on. i was at all time low at time in a drug haze burnout state. we used to talk a lot on social media and it was really reinvigorating for me. then i moved out to kyiv and started working at the gallery when she came into town and asked me if i had a place for a sleepover. i told yes and we met a couple of hours later but it all went off the rails when she say my girlfriend and freaked out. i got stressed out and gone drinking all night and in the morning i was a mess and she was really disappointed. she then ghosted me and told me that she didn't wanted to ruin my life. i felt really confused. feel stupid and humiliated about that.
MS - we met at the poetry club. i started to express interest in poetry when i was 15 and my guitar teacher was also leading one local literary circle. she was a blond goth girl who used to write edgelord poems about death and suffering and other edgy things. i used to flirt with her by reciting Slayer lyrics. one time were walking around for a very long time and it was weird. it was cold so i feel ill and was out of action for some time and so she started writing messages to me. obsessive stuff. scared me off big time. ghosted her after that. feel bad about it, a couple of years later i've met at one local reading and apologized.
YZ - yet another high school crush. we've been in one What Where When team. Won a couple of tournaments and went to Odessa for the national tournament. The whole journey was one giant joke. Had a lot of small talk and even wrote her a poem. She ghosted me after the journey. Felt perplexed for a while.
KT - short-haired exotic girl. she thought i was a jew and called me moses (i'm not), she also said she was muslim although she acted as if she was decadent catholic. we had a couple of long and winding conversations on throat singing, sound poetry, masturbation and other related topics. we also had a long walk to nowhere in particular during which we talked about Bjork and her cat video.
TS - aka butthole surfer girl. the meanest girl i have ever met by mile. she had mean things to tell about everything and everyone. her on-off boyfriend was a friend of mine and we used to play in one band. he was a free spirit who just wanted to sing his songs and live his life by accident. she seemed really rough on him and didn't really cared for his wellbeing. she was constantly making things up to make an impression of her knowledge of zhytomyr underbelly. it was dumb because we had many common friends and i could tell what was made up and what wasn't. i was fascinated by her. one time we got stuck in the passway during a rainstorm and we were waiting for it to stop and wasn't and we were standing there wet and freezing. it was strangely intimate thing and it was the only time when she let her guard down and showed her true colors. she seemed nice and very troubled. however, otherwise she was rough. soon enough found her too toxic to be around. she was talking about shit, calling everybody dumbfucks, complaining about light being color of piss and other stuff. i got myself out of her grasp by pissing her off about some fictional prize money for some photo. she excommunicated me and started telling mean things about me - like i was masturbating on her feet and other stuff. no love lost.
OT - she was TS bestbud and we used to hang out together 09-10. she was very energetic and vulgar lady who could come up with really saucy things. she once freestyled a porn scene verbally and it was the dirtiest thing i've ever heard and i was reviewing kink videos at that time. i knew she was into Cher because she used to whistle some of Sonny and Cher melodies while walking. she was intensely playful and with definitely overflowing overabundant sex drive - she groped me on more than one occasion and was constantly dirty-talking me in public to make me blush. not sure if she was messing with me or not but i felt really uncomfortable around her. we tried to kiss but she bite my tongue (probably chewed) in the process and i was all bloody afterwards. she was year older and when university was over our connection was kinda lost.
NB - she was english teacher during year 1 and 2 in university. what a woman. she was like one of those pre-raphaelite girls - full of mystery. she was really good at explaining stuff and she used to shame me for being lazy and overacting while talking english. she gave me dirt music novel and we had an evening of talking about that novel and it was tough because she was all literaty theory and plot deconstruction. i remember the look of her face during a conversation - she was getting off talking about this stuff and it was beautiful. i was legit obsessed with her for quite a while even taking photographs of her in a sexy dress and masturbating to it aftewards. but she was much older and it wasn't going to work out. i don't know why we stopped meeting, lack of contacts didn't helped either. she helped me with fine-tuning Casio's Pay-off peyote so i would've liked to send her a copy of Roadrage or something.
JG - year older. she was an editor of student newspaper. all boyscout and dudley-do-right. she used to tell me i'm too lazy to write well and that i have too much pretense to be legit. we used to hang out a lot during the university days and write poems together. she was instrumental in helping me with figuring out how to write poems. she was genius of freestyling images into existance that just clicked. we got really intimate but ultimately were scared off and took distance. she was serious career girl who all about business so our relationship waned. feels like a missed opportunity.
IK - never met her in real life. talked a lot on facebook and twitter and email. she was some sort of artistic individual, probably an illustrator. judging from the topics we've talked about - she was kinda depressed or really edgy. i asked her out for the translator's reading but she declined citing keeping the mystery alive. a couple of months later she disappeared and we never talked again. still puzzled about her. she seemed interesting.
GB - the first and only woman who contacted me because of my artistic career. she wrote to me about ukrainian futurism and asked if i had some stuff about it. it sprawled a conversation that was way too exciting for my own good. she was into jazz and kinky stuff and seemed much more mature than i ever was. she was world weary or something. i was obsessed by her or probably her image in my head and started fantasizing that we had an epistolary romance or something. she was playful and non-committal so the thing was perpetuating. it was my private fantasy that was going nowhere but otherwise comforting. i wrote a lot of creepy stuff to her i'm really ashamed of. a year later we met in lviv while i was in the midst of crash and burn film production - so the air left the balloon and it was one big disappointment. i tried to keep contact over the years but was getting compulsive and obsessive and gradually got off the rails and turned the whole thing into something really bad. really ashamed of how this thing turned out. in late 15 i wrote full-fledged love letter to her and she said "nope" and it was miserable try hard for a couple of more years before the sheen wore off and moved on with my life. this whole thing was pink floyd one slip the idea of being in love.
MS - we met at my exhibition in ternopil. she was following my colleague and was all into art stuff, young painter experimenting with life. she was six years younger and it felt exciting at first and frustrating later on. i was at all time low at time in a drug haze burnout state. we used to talk a lot on social media and it was really reinvigorating for me. then i moved out to kyiv and started working at the gallery when she came into town and asked me if i had a place for a sleepover. i told yes and we met a couple of hours later but it all went off the rails when she say my girlfriend and freaked out. i got stressed out and gone drinking all night and in the morning i was a mess and she was really disappointed. she then ghosted me and told me that she didn't wanted to ruin my life. i felt really confused. feel stupid and humiliated about that.
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