My Favorite Things: Mark Kermode's "love" of Michael Bay and "Transformers"

This glorious song of pure unexpurgated horror is performed by British film critic Mark Kermode with a little help of his friends - skiffle band Dodge Brothers. It is all about Michael Bay and his then-upcoming fourth entry in the "Transformers" franchise.

There are only a few things in life that can bring you a smile no matter what. Mark Kermode's attitude towards Michael Bay and his signature brand of film-making as represented by Transformers franchise is one of them. Mister Kermode can't stand Mister Bay. He hates his guts. He is disgusted with its obnoxious demeanor. He is appalled by the fact that such kind of film-making is in demand. And he likes to tell everyone about his disdain in great detail. His diatribes against Bay are masterclasses of verbal takedowns with extreme prejudice. Seriously - you can learn a lot how to bury something so deep into the ground it will fall into the Earth's molten core.

Just listen to this soundbite from his review of "Pain and Gain": "Werner Herzog could look at pain and gain and actually be scared". Pure bliss.


But Mark's not only all talk. He can also delightfully show how painful it is. His vignettes dedicated to certain news connected with Michael Bay and Transformers are also something to behold. In them Mark is not afraid to fool around in order to prove his point.

For example - here is his reaction video for "Revenge of The Fallen". It is something that can be described as "wordless review". First we get a clip from the film which is all death and destruction and then it segues into Kermode's reaction which in short can be described as "SMASHING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL LONG AND HARD". Metallic sounds come out clanging. Once, twice, three times, four times. He smashes his head against some metal constructions, the wall, against the magazine with a transformer on it, against handrails. Then he takes a distance and runs straight to the wall. After uneventful collision he gets up and goes away while the screen fades to while with a shimmering high-pitched drone.



The short was continued when "Dark of the Moon" was released. It starts off with Mark coming to the camera and taking his glasses on. He then proceeds to smash his head against the camera and the screen itself.

It is sad.

Or here is his reaction to the announcement that Michael Bay will direct Transformers 4. Unlike previous video which pure impressionist tone poem - this one is embedded with narrative. Mark gets up in the morningm makes himself a cup of tea, sits down at the table, open his laptop and sees the disturbing news - Michael Bay will direct another Transformers movie. The news take Mark off-guard. He is shocked. He covers his face with a palm and trembles filled with existential horror as if he just experienced some Eldritch abomination in his stomach. And then he starts smashing his head against the laptop - seemingly to the eternity since the video cuts off.